"Men are only as great as they are kind."
- Elbert Hubbard
Tonight, I am humbled. My child went from hyper-happy (kissing everyone goodnight) to screaming bloody murder at bedtime and it rattled me to the core.
I know we all get frustrated. We all scream. We all cry. I don't want to stop my child from being a human being. I can't stop myself from being human. But it hurts so much, his hurt, my hurt. I cannot seem to not take it personal, no matter how much I try.
It's been this way since day one. He cries and my entire universe is pain and I feel like screaming right along side him (and yes, at him, to stop, foolish though it may be, and though I mostly hold my tongue, I am human. It's the things I think that cause me the most pain, though). I have no detachment, no differentiation. I have no means of escape. I eventually let it go, after it passes, but it is so very damn hard.
What I need is more kindness. Towards myself. Towards him (while he is screaming and all I can think of is that I need him
to stop). Towards the world, for disappointing us so.
And detachment. Some differentiation. Perspective. But kindness might be easier to grasp tonight now that the moment has passed and he's asleep.
All I can do is start where I am. Humbled and sad.
Tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness.