Epiphanies While Driving
The other day, I had an epiphany in the car.
Which wouldn't be a problem, except I was driving and I do not write or dictate notes (or talk on my phone or text) while I'm driving and it was a Good epiphany and I really wanted to write about it!
But the moment passed and the writing about it window closed.
Still, I think the epiphany really was more about my life and how I am living my life than anything else, so maybe I didn't need to write about it.
But here it is anyway, after the fact, a not-so-succinct epiphany:
If I were to find out I was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn't give a shit how many photos (or anything else) I sold in my etsy shop. I wouldn't give a shit whether I am counted as a "real artist" or that I haven't started showing or selling or whatever.
The one-and-only thing I would care about was this: leaving my love behind.
That is why I blog. That is why I write. That is why I take photographs.
I want my love, the love I have for this imperfect and amazing world, to be left behind me. So that the people I love could say, "This is her love, this is how much she loved us, this is her gift to me."
Every photograph I take, I take through this lens.
Every word I write, I write through this filter.
And not just for Remy (but yes, a huge, huge, huge part of it for him, because if I died tomorrow, he would not remember much of me, except what I am leaving behind). But for the world. I want the world to see the love I bear for it, person by person. You see this, when you read my words. And you carry it with you, even if you never read another word I write.
So, in the long run, it doesn't matter if I "publish" or "sell" or go unknown. Except that I am able to spread more love in the publishing and the selling (and that is a Good Thing). So, while it isn't my sole focus, it is a worthwhile use of my time to work towards those goals.
But the reason I keep blogging, keep writing, keep shooting so many damn photographs, really is love.
That I love doing it and that I want my love to continue on after I am gone.
This moment is the only moment I have -- standing here, typing, words flowing out of me, trying to recreate this epiphany I had. But there will be another moment when you will read this (and then another, maybe years and year from now, when my son will read this) and that moment, that moment is the only moment for you.
And both these moments are the only moment.
I am in no way, shape or form planning on dying tomorrow, but we never know. We will never know. Until too late.
So right here, right now, I write the words that are in my heart. How much I love the world, how much I love my child, how much I love my beloved husband. How much I love my sisters, all of them, the ones who I'm physically related to and the ones I have related to me. How much I love my brothers. How much I love the lost and downtrodden souls and the wise and fully lifted ones, too.
Right now, right here, all I can tell you is that within me there is an offering.
That my words, that my art, that my love, help instead of hinder. That if all I can touch is one person, that it is enough. That if I can give you my love and have it go on in the world after I am no more, that that was enough. That the memory of me be a blessing, that is all I shall ever ask for.
And that it will be enough.