Epiphany Part Two


[Continued from yesterday's post, so maybe read that first?]

After I got it settled in my head/ body/ self exactly why I'm doing art (and why I'm not -- i.e., to be famous or make money or whatnot, all of which was a "no duh" thing anyway), then I had the second part of that epiphany, which is:

Why am I needing to distract myself all the time? I am happy and feel connected to my family and to myself. What's going on with that?

Oh yeah (another duh moment, aren't epiphanies just always so obvious after you have them?):

I feel completely rundown, tired and crappy a lot of the time. I definitely do not feel healthy. 

To explain: I've had what I've felt is a cold for about a month (plus or minus a week -- and there have been days I've felt fine, so it really comes and goes). Nothing feels infected. Nothing is overly horrible. I just am tired and collapse almost every afternoon for a little bit of time and then after I rest, and take an ibuprofen, I feel better.

It's weird. And very unlike my normal "oh my gawd, I'm so sick I'm going to die" melodrama. This is more like, "oh I'm fine. Oh wait, I need to take a nap. Oh, I'm fine. "

Anyway, my mom (whose birthday is today -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!) reminded me to take vitamin C, and that was good. And I bought some floradix type iron thinking that probably couldn't hurt either.

But the reality is, I need to be taking better care of my asthma. That's the missing piece of this puzzle, my asthma, which is bad enough to leave me wheezing, but not bad enough to need medical attention. And I let it be that way on purpose, I let my advair prescription lapse because I was scared to find a new doctor and I don't like taking advair and I just, bleh. The whole thing makes me feel scared and angry, so I just shriveled up and tried my best to ignore it for as long as possible.

Anyway, yesterday, I finally (finally! f i n a l l y!) found a doctor and made an appointment for myself.  I have a "sick" appointment to see her on Monday (to get my 'script renewed and to check out whether this cold has gone deeper than it feels like it has). And then in January (she's a busy DO -- doctor of osteopathy), I have an appointment for a physical.

So, I'm feeling proud of myself, and proactive today, but also embarrassed that it took me this long and sad that my poor body has had to deal with so much while I got my head together (yet again).

Sigh.

I'm imperfect and I'm human and that's ok. I can be gentle with myself and be ok with having taken my own sweet time to get here, because I am here, right now.