lovingkindness part two


Last night I suddenly realized that I'd forgotten to replace my St John's Wort. I'm actually not sure when it ran out; it has been at least a week, but probably more like two. I also don't know why it didn't get replaced, but apparently it slipped my mind completely.

Oops. The February doldrums that have been getting the best of me? Are much easier to navigate with the help of St John's Wort. I quickly placed an order on amazon.com (so easy to do on my iPod). And added some Passionflower tincture, because I'm having more issues with anxiety than depression. 

I don't share these things to worry people, although I know the parents in my life (of all stripes) worry. I have to walk a fine line between worrying my family and or not sharing enough (which is my worst-case scenario, when I shut down completely) to be able to call on my loved ones for support. I navigate that line with as much skill as I can.

I'm not at any sort of really bad low point (trust me, I have been there), I just know myself well enough to know that this anxiety isn't a normal kind of feeling. I'm used to having "the blues" in February -- in addition to my SAD, which has been greatly helped by the goLite I received for my birthday, February is a month filled with sad memories and old grief.

And so I reach out, I investigate. I ask for help on facebook. I don't let myself sink into despair. I can't. I made a promise to myself, the last time I was at a lowest point. And I aim to keep it.

Today I'm feeling better already, even though my tinctures won't get here for a few more days. I know so many beautiful, amazing women who have similar struggles. I have so many friends. I am not alone. I am surrounded by love.

And I am (becoming) my own best friend.

Loving. Kind. Responsive. But not letting myself hide under a mask of self-pity or excuses. 

This is my life and I am going to live the awesometastic shit out of it.