untitled poem


...and just when you think you've processed and you're feeling fine and your body is starting to feel less heavy and the grief is receding and everything is beautiful again, it hits you again that you are alone and the world is alone and the people you love are alone and everyone is always alone and there's not a fucking thing you can ever do about it because the only skin we can be in is our own and loneliness is part of it all and the bigger picture doesn't mean a damn when it's 2am and you just want to sleep and the same images keep playing over and over in your mind and all the things that life expected out of you, you expected to be kept away from and there isn't any more to it all than this horrible truth and it makes you want to run screaming because how could it all be worth it?

And then you breathe. 

In and out. 
In. and. out.
In.
And. 
Out. 

And after you've slowed down and the anxiety curled up in your chest settles back down to sleep, you breathe some more. 

And in the breathing you remember: That being alone is a gift. That finding the things that make life worthwhile is the greatest treasure hunt there could ever be. That your being alone and their being alone means that truly you aren't ever alone because we can all be alone together and life gets easier when you breathe and remember just that simple fact. And all the good things that happen to people happen to everyone because we can all take comfort in each other and one of the blessings that friendship brings is being able to share in those joys. And there are always friends, even if some let you down. Who hasn't let someone down? We're human.

And life isn't a photograph you can edit. The 2 am freakouts are always going to be as much a part of you as the rush of joy over a pregnancy announcement and the undercurrent of memory that it brings. You've learned to surf the waves of your emotions when you remember the essential truths that hold you together and they exist together, always. Over and over you remember and breathe and let it flow over you, over and over, because this is life and it is worthwhile, even in the depths and no one else can ever take you away from you, even if you let them, even if you want to disappear, as long as you live here you are here and even after you leave, and may it be a long time from now, you will remain because there is always love. 

And there is always love.