here I am


I'm already starting to feel anxious these past three or four days.

About school starting next month, about school not starting for a whole 'nother month and oh-my-goodness, I need more time to myself already, about winter coming, about this feeling that I am (once again) on the precipice of something and how do I get there from here?!?!?!?!

I have the oh-to-familiar feeling of too-much-to-do-and-not-enough-time, so I pause and do as little as possible, while trying not to fall back into my destructive pattern of just-ignoring-everything.

(Photos that need organizing and house cleaning that I am ignoring, I'm looking at you!)

The light is fading and I can feel it already, slipping away.

It's August.

It struck me this morning that the waning of the light is my problem. The worst days aren't after the light is at its lowest, as you'd think they would be. By the end of February, I am starting to feel a bit better, though the snow and the cold can also claim to have some impact on my mental health. The worst point is before the light leaves, while it is leaving. I am terrified of it leaving. And the memory of absence makes things worse.

I didn't think I would need to use my blue light this early in the season, but I see I may need to. It's charging on the table behind me.

Where I am is where I am. There is no need to change it or hide it or try to make it be anything other than what it is.

So today I will take a full stop day. Maybe I can convince my guys to drive to the beach. Maybe not. In the end, it won't matter. I'd love to walk along the shore, but going and walking along a river bank before I pick my kid up from camp would be a good alternative.

Go photowalking.

Or dance.

Whatever I need to do, I shall do sans facebook today. Reading comments yesterday (on other people's posts, or on friends of friends posts - fb why do you need to show me those????) made me feel even more anxious and sad about the state of the world.

I take too much to heart.

But it isn't too much, it is what is. I can only take what I can take. I don't understand hate. I don't understand hate at all.

I am so glad I don't understand hate. But it makes it hard to live in this world sometimes, reading things other people write.

This is where I am. I still believe the tide has turned, I still believe change is coming and that one day hate will be a bitter memory that we tell our grandchildren to remind them that human nature creates scapegoats, over and over.

Until that day, I am judicious about which comments I read. And when I can't be, I'll take a break.