saying yes, saying no
In a different world, I would be a high powered editor at some swanky multimedia magazine. (I'm thinking O, not Cosmo, just to give you a sense of my personal tastes.) In a different world, I'd be bringing in the bucks and working 12 hour days. But this is not that world and more importantly, I don't want it to be. Instead, I have a finite number of personal resources that I can spend each day and I prefer to choose spending them working on my own writing and art. My legacy. My creative time (and my family) are my yeses.
And so, I have resigned from The Studio Voice. I did a fair amount of work on the issue coming out this Sunday, and I am proud of my contributions, but I realized that it was not really the best way for me to be using up my resources. I need to focus on my yeses.
I had to say no to working in collaboration so that I could say yes to being with myself.
Simple (and yet so hard to actually do). It wasn't a decision I made lightly, nor was it done (hopefully) in a way that hurt the other members of that team. I just couldn't continue stressing myself out. I realize this could be construed as a failure on my part, but honestly, if you're counting my strings of failures, you're missing out on so much of how I am choosing to live my life. And that's ok. I am not going to judge myself and I am not responsible (nor do I care) if you judge me.
I am an overachiever at heart, but an overachiever who a) has a lot of things (too many things) she really loves doing and b) doesn't have enough stamina/ resources to do them all. This is a hard concept for me to embrace, but important. I will miss out on things. Every day, I make choices and I live with those choices. And I have an amazing life as a result. Some moments are shitty and some are sublime and that is where I see beauty.
I'm not sure exactly what the next step of my expanding year will be, but it will be interesting, that is for sure. How could it not be?