sitting to sit, being to be

A double heart.

Yesterday, while I was meditating, I got a flash of inspiration: a topic to write about here. This is not that inspired post.

I let that thought go and went back to listening (to my breathing, to the sounds around me, to the sensations in my body). That's what I do when I'm meditating. I don't stop myself to write down anything, even particularly juicy ideas. If it's important, I'll think it again. (And I did. But it will wait til another day.)

I'm doing mindfulness meditation - not counting inhalations, not mantras, not focusing on anything in particular, except what is: my breath, the sounds I can hear, the sensations I can feel. What is.

When a thought arises, I let it go. If that's difficult - and it is sometimes - I name it and let it go. "Thinking," I think. And go back to just be-ing. If my mind is racing, racing, racing and won't stay still enough for me to be present, I bring myself back by noting my breath ("inhale" "exhale"). I used to need to concentrate by counting my inhalations, but I haven't needed to do that lately.

(My sitting style is closest to zazen, but it is not formal - I'm sitting cross legged on my couch most of the time when I sit.)

This is what works for me, in meditating. It may change form, but this is what works right now. I am coming back to sitting meditation after a long absence, but that doesn't seem to matter, either. I am sitting to sit. I maintained mindfulness even when I stopped sitting, so adding sitting back into the mix just gives me more practice in being present with what is. 

Yesterday, in my ten minutes of sitting, I had two songs and uncounted thoughts/ fantasies go through my mind. And I had some stillness. Actually, I experienced a lot of stillness, but no matter: there's thoughts and songs and that is all ok. The goal (to me) isn't having no thoughts, the goal is just being present. Thoughts will happen, but I don't have to continue thinking them.

I sit to sit. To take ten minutes (or 8 or 12) before I walk over to the elementary school and pick Remy up. To just sit. Present in the moment as it is.

Sometimes I remember the ideas I've thought of while I'm sitting, sometimes I don't. Just like the rest of my day, really. (Including the other time of day I'm most likely to get inspiration for writing: right before bed.) If they're important, they'll stay with me, or come back to me, eventually.

Thoughts flow through me. I don't need to worry that there won't be more thoughts later, the flow is right there, waiting. When I start writing, I will find the right idea to write about. The words flow through me, regardless of whether I prepped them earlier or not, whether I wrote them down to save or not.

I write to write. When I write, I let the thoughts come and be translated onto the "page" (screen in this case) by my fingers, typing or using a pen.

This is my mindfulness practice. Writing to write. Sitting to sit. Kissing to kiss. Singing to sing. Photo-walking to photo-walk.

Being alive to be alive and all of the beautiful messiness being alive entails.

Hineini: here I am. 

Right here. Right now.

(yes, say yes, say yes: yes)