continuing to winter


Last night, I had a dream my camera body was stolen. Or lost. Or dissolved into the ether.

I was on a train, and we had stopped and I had gotten out to get coffee and when I had to pack to get back on the train (throwing all of my lenses willy nilly into a shopping bag, eeep), the camera body that had been attached to the lens just a second before was suddenly gone.

About two minutes into frantically searching for it, and someone - the conductor? - coming to ask why I was making so much noise, a quarter of the camera body showed up. What? So perplexing.

One of the questions I remember the conductor asking while I was searching was, "You really feel a great affinity for being outside, don't you?" (I was going to or coming back from an outdoor photo shoot.) And at that moment, the dreaming became lucid, and I said "Yes, very much."

I love being outside. I would like to get outside more.

But I need to be warm. And even the greatest combination of layers and warm gear doesn't really keep the cold away from me. Even just having my eyes exposed, when I'm wearing my balaclava, that's not pleasant. Even if 99% of my body is actually toasty warm, I am breathing the cold into my lungs and that is worse than not being pleasant. A balaclava warms the air up a little, but yeah. I feel it. My lungs can feel it. Asthmatic lungs don't get along with cold air. That's just biology. Between the Reynaud's and the asthma, I am not built for winter temperatures.

This is my ongoing wintering dilemma. I want to be outside and yet going outside is not a healthy choice for me when it is cold.

I do what I can do. I embrace the dilemma. (I make myself forest spray. I'm on my second bottle of the stuff. It definitely helps.)

Last year, I tried to push myself to get out more and that backfired on me. (At least in March. Oh, I was not digging March last year at all.) This year I am not pushing myself at all, but letting myself do what I do. I have to go outside to pick Remy up from school. On these exceptionally cold days I am not going out at all. (These polar vortexes are crazy. Effing climate change.)

I do what I can do. I embrace the dilemma.

And I look forward to spring.