poeming on a tuesday (buddha nature)


buddha nature

abides
          notices
                      waits

this buddha nature

awakens
              watches
                           discerns

our buddha nature

cuts through
                   this sleeping life
                                            like a warrior

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Actually, this photo is of a Deva (in Theravada Buddhism, they're spirits, I think this is one of the higher, guardian ones) and not the Buddha (enlightened one).

The Deva is from outside the temple at Doi Suthep which we visited while we were in Chiang Mai last summer.

The other photo is from driving M to work (photos from the passenger side) earlier this month.

This multiple exposure is another in my #archivallexseries.

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Yesterday was a very hard day, emotionally. I felt depressed, but not just down, but taking it personally. I felt like beating myself up (for being lazy and uncaring), which is something I haven't felt like doing for quite awhile.

I recognized it as a destructive emotional pattern. I recognized it as not-my-fault. I recognized that I did not actually have to beat myself up, no matter how much I felt like I should. I recognized it, but that didn't take away my sad for having those thought patterns come back.

So I let myself be sad. How sad it is that I have this depression, like a river, underneath my emotional well being that can rise and threaten my happiness at not-really-random times. (I know when it is most likely to hit me.)

The difference these days is the recognition. I know the depression isn't my only reality anymore. I don't have to identify with it. I know it has seasonal and hormonal underpinnings. I know it is not permanent because nothing is permanent.

And I know that underneath it all, is unconditional love. My own unconditional love. I know that I can love all the painful parts of myself, even when it hurts. I can ask this sadness what it needs. I can let it be and let it teach me.

So I can't say this morning that I am feeling completely happy. I feel mildly better than yesterday, but this record breaking winter is back for another day or two and I recognize that there's a large part of my mood that just feels beaten up by the ongoing cold. And that is OK. It is perfectly OK for me to feel shitty when it is cold outside. I get to feel what I feel. No beating myself up for being the way I am.

No shame in bundling up. No shame in wearing as many layers as I need to to be warm enough. No shame in being sad.

No shame.

Only love.