shadow/silhouette::solitude/solace



I spent the first three years of Remy's life being driven slowly mad, not having enough time to myself. He needed me and I accepted (and still accept) this, but it was much more difficult than I had imagined, being needed all the time, having virtually no time to carve to being on my own, to being me (alone). 

And that left me feeling so very lonely. The loneliest I have ever felt, in a lifetime of being alone. 

This quote, today's 30 Days of Journaling prompt, is perhaps the truest medicine I know. 

Solitude is the solace of my late thirties. 

The solitude of Remy finally going to a school we trust. The solitude of having moved yet again. (We've been in this house three years now, which is, from past experience, the point at which one really starts rooting into a new place.) The solitude of creative time to myself. The solitude of my little family, together. I don't feel lonely when I'm alone with them anymore. Not being needed 24/7 changed the dynamic, returned me to myself. 

(This is a big part of why I'm a much happier mother as a mother to an older kid.)

I still feel lonely sometimes, when I'm not alone enough. Especially having to put on a social face, with groups of people I don't really know. School pick up isn't my favorite thing. (Maybe this year will be different because the faces will be more familiar. But I lost two groups of parents I used to chat with, and have only gained one new one, so far. We'll see. It will be what it is.)

And now I have the solace of my solitude, of my daily time alone. I have it to look forward to, even when it gets cut off for short periods of time (traveling for example - or this upcoming week and a half between the end of camp and the beginning of school). I can deal with much more togetherness knowing I have time to myself coming up. 

Time to dream. Time to write. Time to take photos and time to create. Time to read. Time to listen to any music I want, including no music at all. 

Solitude is my refuge from the weight of the world. 

I'll have my solitude back in a week and a half. Meanwhile, it's mom and Remy adventure time! And a little family adventure time, too, over our anniversary weekend. 

I like adventure. And I like rest; there will be plenty of rest, too.

And I'll have plenty of time to read, which is a solace (of solitude) in and of itself. Yes.