the changing, unchanging weather


It's just past nine a.m. and I'm done with my second coffee and ready to write. 

We're enjoying the pause before our day's adventure begins. Remy is reading. Our trip to the library yesterday scored him a bunch of books - and for me, one that I can't get on overdrive yet, the last of the Heroes of Olympus series. I haven't started reading my book yet, since today we'll be hanging out with friends. The last book of a series is a big deal to me, deserving a day all to itself. 

It's sunny and chilly today, quite unlike yesterday's gray and drizzly. It's still windy. There are clouds which are blowing in and out. Things change, but autumn remains autumn. 

Things change, but the weather remains the weather. Unchanging in its changing. 

This month before my 40th birthday will be quite busy, by my standards. We've got soccer games (rescheduled from October and the probability of more rescheduling looks to be high) and two fairly big but quick trips. It's of course the trips I'm most looking forward to, a chance to get somewhere warmer for a few days. Be nearer the ocean. Swim. 

(Go to Disneyland!)

We'll be staying on the Pacific coast one weekend (and yes, going to Disneyland) and then seaside at the Caribbean the next. The first is our regular every-year conference that M attends and the second is for the Thanksgiving weekend destination wedding of one of M's childhood friends.

Destination weddings are the best. Especially now, far enough along in M's career that we have traveling money. A few years makes such a big difference in terms of how much traveling money we have saved up. He's getting tenure this year. It's not quite official-official, but two out of three committee-hurdles have been jumped. The last committee meets this month, I think. 

Almost forty. Parents of a school aged child. Tenured. Tethered in the world, rooted in ourselves. And ready for the next adventure. 

There's a part of me that wants to stop right here and yell, "knock on wood!" anxious that spelling out my happiness as I head towards forty will jinx it all. Yes, I still wish I could be superstitious and have that power over life. 

But that's not at all how this world works. The jinxes have already come and gone and come and gone again. They'll be back. This I know. Life throws jinxes left and right, big and little. I can knock on wood all I want, but bad shit still happens. 

Getting held hostage at gunpoint. Remy's stroke. The miscarriage. And these are just the big ones, the ones I have links to the stories of (not right now, tho, because I'm writing on my iPad mini). There was everyday, minor bad shit along the way, too, and still is. Abandoned friendships. Anxiety. Self-doubt. Pain. Grief. 

Life goes on. Happiness has to be made whether life is painful or not. 

Right now, I'm in a flow before the ebb of winter. Truth be told, there's some ebb in here, too, a coziness of ebb, a restful ebb. A "I'll make swants and live in them til spring" ebb. 

(Except while we're traveling.)

Right now, I'm on the verge of forty, and this is my life as it is in this moment, listening to my son play piano. 

You didn't expect him to have sat still and read the entire time I've been writing do you, did you? It's been over 30 minutes. And he was reading for awhile before I started writing. He's moved on. 

(And then while I was editing this, which took another thirty minutes, he moved on again, and is now sitting right next to me, reading again.)

Things change, but the weather remains the weather. 

Yes.