connecting desire and reality




February. Sigh. 

I'm so in love with these photos I took this morning, even as I wish that winter was over already. 
That's what is right now for me, the push-me, pull-me of beauty and cold, desire and reality. 

I took these photos from inside my house. My husband is healthy enough to shovel for us and he did so, which was a gift. (He came home with a slight from-the-plane yucky feeling, but woke up today feeling much better.)

And I am healthy and warm. That's also a gift. Today's a snow day, which means I don't even have to walk to the school for pickup. Another gift. 

Still, yes, there's that desire for spring, for what isn't happening yet, for the waiting for warmth in the air to be over. 

Desire is good. It tells me what I want. (More than warmth, but warmth is at the forefront of my mind today because the world around me is cold and frozen.)

But if I start letting myself get resentful of what is, this winter, this cold, this ice, this snow, then I hurt myself. Desire is one thing. I desire warmth. Yes, absolutely. I crave warmth. Even in the winter, I create my own warmth, but there's nothing like atmospheric warmth. Heaters just don't create that, not for me. My skin and lungs and extremities are sensitive. I can tell the difference. 

But resentment is something entirely different. Resentment hinges on not accepting. On expectation. On being disconnected from reality. 

I'm sad that it isn't warm, I ache because it isn't warm, but I don't actually expect it to be warm right now. I wish it was, but that's different, too. I accept that it isn't, in my wishing. 

So I "make the best of" winter. I photograph the evergreens beside my office window. (Such dreamy icy beauty, these.) I keep the fuzzy purple blanket on my lap. I wear my swants. I take very hot baths. I drink a lot of tea. 

I abide. And winter will end and spring will come, in its own time. I will still abide. 

And I'll abide through spring allergies and the lethargy of humidity and the overwhelm of leaves fallen everywhere just as I abide through this freezing cold and ice and snow. No moment is perfect, no moment lasts forever. I continue to abide. 

Desiring and creating warmth and beauty and love. Staying connected. 

Accepting that my desire cannot change the weather, that what is at this moment, is my reality. 

Desire and reality. 

Yes.