reconciling the disconnect between what is and what I wish it was


Yesterday afternoon, M cleared up my mis-remembering: it's tomorrow I'll have to get up to do the morning routine. Today I got to sleep in. Which is good, because I was a hot mess by the time last night rolled around. So tired and grouchy.

(Thank all that is for my love, who simply stepped up and didn't throw too much blame around. I was already doing enough of that myself.)

Coming back home to winter in full swing (meaning: all this snow! And the cold!)  is so much harder than I wish it would be.

It's that "wish it would be" that is the real issue. Life being hard is life being hard. Winter happens. Snow happens. Right now, I'm having a disconnect from what I wish was happening and what is happening.

And I'm reconciling it. Slowly, but surely.

Sometimes, I say: I don't have a choice. But it isn't that I don't have a choice: I do. I could choose to stew in the disconnect and keep wishing and making things more difficult for myself. I just don't like that choice, because it adds suffering to my pain.

As it is, it's already difficult enough. I'd rather not add to my pain, at least not consciously.

So what I do is reconcile. I make the choice, over and over, to remind myself, over and over, that reality is reality. Not liking winter is not going to make winter go away. I'm entitled to my feelings, but I my feelings don't dictate reality: it is February and where I live, right now, that means it is cold and there's snow on the ground right now.

And that will be true until it isn't true anymore. Until this weather changes. Which it will. Eventually.

Because change is constant. The weather that is happening, won't always be happening. And I remind myself that, over and over, when I am feeling so much pain over what this moment holds.

Being connected to this moment - this cold, omg all this ice and snow, moment - also means remembering that this moment is only this moment. It isn't two hours from now. It isn't three days from now. It isn't the moment that will happen in April.

And it isn't two days ago when I was in California and everything was warm.

This moment is right here, right now. Listening to Train on my computer while I'm typing.

Change happens. Change always happens. Change isn't intrinsically good or bad, because it is only our thinking that makes it so. And it's ok to think things are bad. That's a human brain thing. My brain feels cold and deciphers it as VERY BAD MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW I HATE THIS AND IT HURTS ME.

Other people's brains feel that same cold and think the opposite. And their pain comes when it is hot outside.

That's just our brains, our bodies, each with our own set of likes and dislikes.

All of us have the choice to remind our brains that this moment is just this moment. All of us have the choice to remember that bad things happen and it's going to change because everything changes and that wishing things were different only adds more suffering to our pain.

(It's nice to remind yourself that things will change when good things happen, too, because it's easier and practicing when something is easier gives you more practice for when things are harder.)

And omg, it definitely helps to get enough sleep. Which is why I was so grateful I got to sleep in this morning. Even though it still felt like 8 am when I woke up, because time change.