The Dream I Dream

I have a dream I am really afraid of. 

And I'm still afraid. Who wouldn't be? My dream is (almost) out of the blue and something I'm not-quite qualified for (though if you stretch my credentials, and not even that far, I actually am!). 

I want to be a filmmaker. I wrote a script last winter (during Mondo Beyondo). I applied to get a spot on kickstarter so I could raise funds for making this short-short film and then I floundered. 

I floundered because making the video explaining my concept, my idea, my drive, my passion was too much. I've made some attempts and winced at them. Too serious. Too uncool. Too pathetic.

The dream won't let go of me, though, that's the thing. I have been doing my best to shake it, but it won't let go. I want to return to acting, to directing, to being "out there" in the world with my art. I keep encountering my resistance and still, the dream is with me. 

I'm not going to force myself to do anything. I'm trying not to be mean to myself. Gentle is the name of the game. I'm exploring my fears and my desires. And I can't beat myself up entirely about putting this specific dream on hold -- there are a million things I want to do, a million things I am doing, and this is just one of them. It's just... This dream keeps coming back to me. Over and over. And with this much fear, I know it is important for me to work through and follow up on.

It may not work out. Nothing is ever certain. Does anyone really want to fund or watch a short film about miscarriage as a personal rite of passage? Maybe not. But I want to tell it. 

So: a re-commitment to myself. And possibly a deadline, to help myself overcome the hurdle of putting the ask out into the world? Possibly, but I'm not there yet (and definitely not until after we have closed on our house and the issue of Remy's school for next year is settled).

Mostly, right now I am dreaming. A dream I need to cherish and hold safe and close to me so that it can continue to grow and become ready to fly on its own. I can feel that it is close. So very close. So, I am waiting, and hoping that it isn't just fear that is holding me back, that it is also pragmatic that I wait for other reasons.

I dream many dreams. This one, I'm sharing here because I want to acknowledge that it is still in my heart. 

What dreams are you dreaming?