two years ago...

A world of grief and pain:
Flowers bloom;
Even then…


Two years ago, the bleeding started and my third baby, our last baby, slipped out of this world. I was twelve weeks pregnant. 
Last year, I wrote a (very short, semi-fictionalized) screenplay about my miscarriage. 

I have wanted to make what I called "a haiku movie" for a long time (I think I was 20 or 21 when the idea first occurred to me... not long after my first and only film-making class). 

The screenplay I wrote last February is marked by the presence of Issa's haiku. And so, after years of thinking about it, I had the start of my haiku movie. 

And I let it sit for a year because I was not ready. 
And I don't know if I am ready now, either. No, strike that. I know I am not ready. Not enough time has passed and I am still too close to tears just reading the words again.

Maybe it was enough to write it. (It was.) 

Maybe it was enough to share it with the two people I shared it with. (It was. The feedback from my souster alone was worth it.)

I am thinking about doing a minor rewrite in order to release it here (as a story) so I can stop stressing out trying to figure out how I could possibly get it made as a movie when I don't have the equipment I want or the knowledge I'd need or the money. 

A short film could still happen later, but the (semi-unconscious) stress and anxiety about it? And beating myself up for not following through with such a fantastic idea? I do not need.

Less anxiety and less beating myself up is always a good thing. 
More love and kindness and gentleness is always a good thing. 

Today is definitely a day for love and kindness and gentleness and self-care. Two years. And the grief is still so close. 

I miss you. Oh how I miss you.