Yesterday, everything that kept coming up in my rss and facebook feed pointed towards surrender.
Let go of the life you thought you should be living and live the life you're living.
(I say a big OHMYHELLYES to that message, btw.)
I passed it on. I know people still need to hear this message. And a few years ago, I needed that message, too. I was so caught up in getting pregnant. That was when I first learned how deeply you have to surrender and how very fucking hard it is.
When you have a uterus and ovaries and it all seems to work (and has worked in the past), you expect that when you want to get pregnant, you will. And when it doesn't work like that, it sucks. It flat out sucks. The loss of that expectation is extremely difficult. Especially since all the well meaning (but unknowing) people around you will say, "you need to just relax." As if that will make it happen.
The thing is, relaxing won't actually help you get pregnant. Sex and insemination are the only things that will do that. And every single month, every single month, you find out if that month was a bust or not.
But you can't live your life in stress all the time. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Hurry up, sex/ insemination time. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Oh my effing G-d, more waiting.
The "just relax" people have an inkling of the truth.
It isn't that you have to stop trying. (If you don't try, there's zero chance.)
It's that you need to surrender into the process. Be where you are.
And what that looks like from the outside may be stressful. If you are in it to win it, you're right there. Trying. Wanting. Needing. With every ounce of yourself. And hurting when it doesn't happen.
Those are all valid emotions. Completely valid.
But emotions aren't the end all be all of our lives. Somehow, we have to learn to surf them.
Bad day: here I am.
Good day: here I am.
Through it all, there is love.
Love seems like an emotion, but it is much more than that.
Love this life you actually have, even if it is painful. Even if it is joyous. Tomorrow your hormones may go haywire and everything might seem like it is conspiring to make you pull all your hair out of your head.
Love it anyway.
And feel the annoyance. Life is really irritating sometimes! Be where you are!
But keep looking for the beauty, because the beauty you find will point you back towards what you love.
And if you can't find any beauty, it's time to seek help. Because there is beauty all around you. Every moment of the day, every soft breathing night.