what i want to tell you is that i am today i am open.
open to love, to life, to sorrow and pain, to happiness and ecstasy.
what i want to tell you is that being open doesn't look like what you think it might look like. there's still pain. but there's less pain than there was when i had to hold part of myself back for fear of being made fun of.
there's no not-caring, not really. it still stings a little when people give me the once over and decide they're better than me. though i know better now. i know that what they're seeing is shallow and not the whole truth. and i know it says everything about them and nothing about me.
it still stings a little sometimes.
and that's ok. it really is. being open means being open to it all, to the awesome and the shitty. this is life, sublime and mundane.
being closed means being closed to it all. to the rainbows and the compost.
i choose to be open. i choose everyday to open more (or less) depending on how my inner self feels.
ebb and flow, even in the openness.
what i want to tell you is that it is ok to be where you are, right now, open or closed. that you don't have to worry that there is a better way of being. that worrying just adds to the burden and there is enough burden already, just being alive.
what i want to tell you is that we never really know what is going to happen next and it really is ok not to know. that you can lay down some of the worry and let it be and everything will not fall apart.
and that you can continue worrying and everything will not fall apart, either.
you can only be where you are and choose in that moment.
what it feels like, what it looks like, to be you is something i won't ever get to experience. i can only experience me (and empathize deeply and make up stories about everyone around me). and you can't experience being me. that's just life.
we all make up stories about other people, trying to understand their motivations.
it's important to try to be kind in the stories you make up about other people. to be kind to them (give them credit) and to be kind to ourselves.
are the people who look at me disdainfully (or so i imagine) actually doing so? i can't really say that with certainty. if i am being kind, i can give myself the gift of thinking that the story isn't about me at all.
being open doesn't have to hurt. sometimes it does. but we can open in kindness and be grateful for the openness, grateful for our own kindness and that can help.
what i want to tell you is that today, i am choosing to be open, with as much kindness as possible.
i hope you have a great weekend (and a happy rosh hashana if you are celebrating, as i am).