i want to be grateful. i have so much to be grateful for: my life, my health, my love, our child. the house we own, the ability to pay bills and buy food and have luxuries i didn't get as a child (going on international vacations, for example).
and yet, i complain. even when i feel like i'm just making a judgement between one thing and another (the actor portraying the president on snl annoys me, for example, the last one did a better impersonation).
there is no difference, not really, between *this thing* and *that thing* - the difference is all in my perception. which is faulty. which is extremely skewed and biased. and i know this. and it still doesn't make a difference: i know what i like, i say. and yet, in liking *this* instead of *that* i am just perpetuating the divide.
my whole beingness knows that all is one. there is no *this* to prefer.
and yet, i turn my head and complain when horror movie previews play before the movie i am about to see. those images and sounds will stay with me if i focus on them, so my husband tries to distract me by whispering about something else.
right now, there is a *this* and a *that* and it's hard to reconcile belief and perception sometimes.
but if i keep digging deeper, i see the truth, that these images that scare me were made by someone connected to everything, too. and we're really all connected, impossibly.
it's just too much for our brains to process.
(kinda like time travel.)
so we see-saw between complaint and gratitude. i'd rather be grateful, but there are things i complain about. i try to keep it to a minimum, try to be funny with my complaints. but who is this *I* that has a choice?