shaking it out
Sometimes, there's this moment of doubt, right before I press "publish." (It can even continue after, when I publish something big, like yesterday's announcement about April: poeming into the now.)
I get a growling, gnawing pit in my stomach. Perhaps you've felt that? It's fear.
Blogging every day helped me see that my doubt didn't matter. That I could love it anyway, that fear. Blogging every day, practicing my writing and photography as one art, together (instead of "just writing" or "just making photographs" - in blogging, they go together, for me), taught me that daily practice matters.
Blogging every day helped me gain bravery. (But first I had to get past the fear of becoming serious about blogging.)
Last year, I had a month where I did almost every scary thing I could imagine doing (in regards to blogging/ writing/ photography/art):
And it wasn't that I wasn't afraid to do those things. I was. I really, truly was. I just got to the point where being afraid was okay. Really and truly okay.
There's always going to be doubt and fear. I'm human. All of my daily practice didn't get rid of the fear I had yesterday before (and after) I hit publish. Hell, I'm nervous now, writing this! But I'm writing it anyway.
(I'm listening to my power songs while I write and taking my time. Links are at the bottom of this post, within the lyric quotes.)
I feel compelled to tell you that I am still scared that no one will want to join my ecourse. I know, I truly know, that I cannot take it personally. How you respond to me isn't about me. I can only do what I can do. What you do is a factor of things I have no influence on. Not everyone who reads this blog is interested in writing poetry. But I'm still human. And that's okay, too. I can let myself be afraid. And I can keep working. Especially on the marketing side of things, which is hard for me. eeep. Expanding much? Yes.
Oh, how I am expanding this year. I feel very brave (and somewhat silly) writing about this right now, so I am holding my own self with care and gentleness.
This is me, wabi sabi, brave, grateful. So often with my foot in my mouth. I leap. I float.
I love this life.
:this is what i was listening to as i wrote this: