seizing the moment

what i really have to offer this world is me, full stop.

yes, my love, yes, my strength, yes, my words. but more: me, the me who looked into the barrel of a gun and survived. the me who keeps going, the me who struggles. the me who throws her arms up and dances. the me who will hug you when we meet. the me who wants nothing more than to snuggle into the couch and read every word ever written (at least in the fantasy genre).

what i really have to offer this world is my body. all these acne scars, all this living written deep in me. this abundant curvy torso. my wild hair. what i really have to offer the world is here in my arms, in my toes, in my kidneys.

yes, and my sex and my urination, too. in and out. my body - all bodies - is made for both. (not at the same time, unless you roll that way. i'm not yucking your yum.)

what i really have to offer this world, this beautiful, fragile world is me. my experience as the only me who will ever exist in this dna, with this set of experiences. with this voice.

and that is why i write. and that is why i create. and that is why i keep living the way i choose to, not the way i should. not the way i'm supposed to. because supposed to and should don't do anything for me, at the end of the day. they are hollow. i wouldn't ever get those days back. i won't get any days back, so i might as well spend them the way i want.

i am the only me in existence. i get one life. one. this one. i'll only be 39 for seven more months. after that, it's done, my thirties. and i get the awesomeness of experiencing my forties, g-d willing. ten years of that, and then it's me rocking my fifties.

and so on...

this is what life is.

it isn't a video game. there's no extra lives. it isn't a movie, there's no rewind button. (not even that awesome ten second rewind, damn i love that feature.)

and look: my experience is, it doesn't matter what you do (or don't do) to prolong this experiment called life. have fun moving your body. have fun eating stuff that makes you feel good. look both ways when you cross the road. follow basic safety tips. (don't ever use your phone while you're driving!)

but don't expect following the rules to get you a free pass to 109 years. life does not work that way. our lives do not work that way.

my dad's first wife was hit by a bus, crossing the street when she was 19.

my best friend was hit by a car, walking his bike home after school when he was 12.

too many babies die. too many children. too many teenagers. too many adults. too many people die.

but that's just the way life works. no one gets out alive. we are born, if we're lucky. we live, however long we're lucky. we die. (the luck would be in dying "right" whatever that means to you.) i have no idea what comes after. i know our molecules get recycled. i don't know about an afterlife, but i won't yuck your yum.

i do know that death is inevitable and no afterlife can bring you back to this one awesome precious existence that is you in this moment.

and far from being depressing and awful, that is the good news, the awesomest news.

because you have this moment, right now. right fucking now. in this awesomeness that is your life right now. SEIZE THE DAY.

(go and read a book if you want and let the laundry pile up. or tackle that laundry pile like the bad ass person you are and make it say your name. do it cause you choose to have clean underwear, not because you're supposed to. and listen to something fun while you do it, or don't. make your life YOURS.)

if we were invincible and immortal, there'd be no reason to seize this day and live in this moment. there'd be no reason to love everything. there'd be no reason.

(pretty much the entire vampire genre is based on that one rule. vampires are awful, evil motherfuckers for a reason. they're bored. every fantastical immortal being - vampire or not - who isn't a motherfucker has found a way to carpe the diem despite immortality. see? everything i ever needed to learn i learned from twentieth century anne rice. truth.)

so grab the moment, right now, and love the eff out of it.

love it like it's dying.

(because it is.)