embracing where my heart is

There's nothing like a party where you have to make small talk with bunches of new people to make certain patterns in your life clear.

This embracing year, oh, my heart, yes.

I haven't been working on anything business-y this year. Last year, I was going for it, making new ecourses. Some of which worked, some which failed. My heart isn't in it. 

(I'd rather work on writing books. That's where my heart is.)

I haven't actually done any photography work for two years. Not that I don't keep shooting, I do. But I haven't done any paid gigs. My heart isn't in it. 

(I'd rather work on personal projects. That's where my heart is.)

I finished up the 52 weeks poeming project in May and then summer became a flurry of getting ready for visits and IEPs. I managed to stock my etsy with poetry ebooks, but no one is buying, because no one (meaning me) is marketing. My heart isn't in it. 

(I'd rather work on the grief-doula book. That's where my heart is.)

This year hasn't been an expanding year. It's been an embracing year, and a large part of what I have been embracing is the fact that I just can't keep expanding without rest. Ebb and flow. I need to let myself ebb, creatively, this year. Focus on where my heart is, instead of where it isn't. Focus on my home, my heart, my self, my family.

Focus on my love and on my grief.

Because that's the one project (to rule them all, lol) that has my heart at this moment. Other than this blog, which being sick reminded me is the grand creative project of my life-right-now, the grief-book is the creative project where my heart is.

And oh my heart, is it there. It hurts to write this book. It hurts that I need to write this book. I have to embrace that heartache, because that is where my heart is, aching.

And yes, oh, yes, I am embracing.