black lives matter

and even though i saw this non-indictment coming a million miles away, it still feels like a punch to the gut.

not because it is unexpected. not because it isn't more of the same-old, same old. but because it is wrong. it is a wound in the heart of justice.

and it is just an(other) injustice. in a long stream of injustices.

it is difficult (maybe even impossible) to be in this world and not be shattered by it all - by the wrongness done, by the murders committed, by the unfairness of any children shot for the color of their skin (or the desires of their heart or the workings of their brains). by the disparity between what we believe in and what is in reality.

i am shattered. shattered today, shattered every day i breathe in the air of this not-yet-healed world.

but my strength is in being shattered. my strength is in loving this world, as it is, shittiness and amazingness and all. pain and grief and love and beauty and sorrow and joy, all at once.

my strength is in loving you, as you are. whether you know it or not, you are part of this shattered heart of mine.

my heart is shattered by the hate spewed at the protesters.
my heart is shattered by the hate spewed at those who hate the protesters.
my heart is shattered by the hate spewed at anyone, for any reason.

hate will not heal us.

only love will heal this world.

and still, it will never be perfect. there will still be hate and violence and injustice. always something to be healed, as long as we live.

we work towards healing. we work on loving the people we can and expanding our hearts, just a little more. even when we are boiling over with rage at injustice. even when we are boiling over with rage because no one deserves to be murdered, no one.

we work on spreading love. spreading peace. spreading justice.

every one of us does this in our own way. we each have our own path.

i knew long ago, i could not be the one at the front lines, getting tear gassed.

instead, i am here, with my words and my heart and my dollars, supporting the ones at the front lines, supporting the ones who are teaching us what it means to be in this full stop. teaching the people who i can teach, learning from the people i can learn from.

i am here.

and i will not stay silent.

i will not be silenced, not by shame, not by ignorance, not by the status quo.

i will not be silenced because unless i am part of the healing, i am part of the wounding. and i will not wound others willingly.

(i know i wound unwillingly or even unintentionally. and when i am shown the wounding i contributed to, i make amends, i work towards healing.)

yes, i believe this world needs to be healed.
yes, i believe i can contribute to this healing.
yes, i believe that black lives matter.