looking in

My husband waited til the snow had stopped and then went outside to shovel yesterday afternoon in the waning light. He knows my weakness for the blue hour and asked me if I wanted to go outside to take photos, so I did. My hands got numb and then hurt a little when I went inside. And it was OK. Numb, painful fingers aren't the end of the world.  

Snow and cold aren't my favorite parts of the year. But they're happening right now and I'm over my temper tantrum of February. It's winter right now. I can accept that fact. 

And spring is coming. There are buds on the trees. I have photographic evidence. 

Meanwhile, I have boots and swants and gloves and snowboarder-level outer layers. And the best car that doesn't make me anxious. And the warm, snug house, which my nesting work this week made shine. 

This morning, I started wondering if I should take next week and paint (while I'm on such a roll), or paint after the writing intensive is over. So many people have offered to help! And painting is such a pain, having help is much appreciated. But colors still need to be chosen. And that could take awhile. And all I would be doing would be putting off the book, yet again. 

I'm feeling a little nervous about the writing intensive. I've done intensives before, but this book, it unnerves me. It's scary, in how big it feels like it "should" be. Which is why I needed to decide to dive in and go for it. Write! It won't have a chance to be big unless I actually write. I can be nervous and not let that anxiety control of crush me. I don't have to let my nerves keep me from writing what I know I need to write. 

So I'll finish up a few nesting projects today and over the weekend. And then Monday, I will start. I will write. 

And I'll write what needs to be written. A first draft. It will be as shitty and rough as every other first draft, but it won't get written without being started. I know this is true. I have years of practice backing me up on that truth. 

So I will write. 

I'll be back here in a week or two, after. 

(And maybe a few posts from my archives before then, and maybe not. No promises.)

See you on the flipside.