autumnal beauty


autumn is difficult.

understatement. autumn is my least favorite season, and that's saying a lot, because winter is colder and hurts more. but autumn is when I feel the light fading, and I'm sensitive to that, and winter's coldness can't touch the gray blues. 

and yet. I'm prone to hyperbole. and let's face it, I'm in the middle of autumn right now and it is gloriously beautiful and yet it still hurts. my asthma is in full force because of the wind blowing around all these dusty, moldy leaves. my hands ache because it isn't quite cold enough to merit tons of layers, but the air temperature is just cold enough to make my fingers numb. 

but it's the mental shit that's the worse. 

a lot of it I can attribute to the anxiety around this upcoming election (I'm way less scared than I was before, but now some of the anxiety is about what might happen after). 

and the fading light gets me every year. this I know. this is why I have archives, to remind myself. 

so I'm hibernating. practicing hygge. snuggling in. 


yesterday M and I took a hike in our favorite woods and chatted about long term stuff. as always, it's good to be on the same page, though it feels like the wait for what comes next is interminable, it isn't really. 

(time is speeding up considerably, in fact. or feels that way. weren't we just planning our Walt Disney World vacation?)

and we're on the same page about future possibilities. sometimes we disagree on specifics, but we remain on the same page about what we want our lives to be/ feel like.  

(one of the last "long term chats" we had at the end of last winter resulted in R's not going back to public school this autumn, and I can't think of a more important decision we've made in a long, long time.)

anyway, this isn't the place where my long term planning happens. this is where I document and archive and remind myself. 

autumn is hard. winter is coming. all that waiting is difficult. the uncertainty. 

and then comes spring. 

and in the meantime, there's beauty in the dying leaves. 

there's beauty everywhere.