messiness, grief, fear and what can and can't be said


my house is a mess. 

I'm managing to keep up (mostly) with the kitchen, but the bathrooms are grossing me out. my office is a repository for everything I can't face quite yet. 

I can shut the door and walk away. I'm lucky that way. 

and that's where I'm at right now. it's not ok. it's not fun. it's just barely managing. it's just barely keeping my head above the water. 

and I type knowing that this is all hyperbole - that in fact, my just barely managing now is a lot better than my just barely managing was ten years ago, let alone twenty-five years ago (when you might have found tea cups growing mold next to my bed on any given day). I'm forty-two; adulting has seemingly gotten easier every year. 

I don't know what the future will bring. how much worse - or better - my keeping it together might get. or whether that will still be relevant at all in a year or two.

all I know is that right now, I need to find some motivation to clean the toilets. put away the crap on my office floor. find another balm for the terror boiling in my heart. 

(over and over, world without end, amen.) 

and the irony is, I'm putting off cleaning by choosing to blog instead - which has been something I haven't been able to do for the past month and a half, because what the fuck does one say on a public blog after the worst thing happens? this is grief that feels like it will never end. this is anger boiling over into blood curdling rage. this is despair. 

(waves of feelings, crashing against the shore of my body. no wonder it's hard to breathe.)

all of this to say: hold on. 

all of this to say: chop wood, carry water. life will go on. until it doesn't. 

all this to say: grieve in any way you need to grieve. scream. write. don't write. dance. don't dance. keep living. keep loving the world, even when it is hard. 

all this to say: I will keep going. 

all this to say: put on some kick-ass music and clean what can be cleaned. write what can be written. make what can be made. 

(or play a gazillion games because you cant face anything else. life is too fucking hard to beat yourself up for making through another difficult day. if you're here, you're here. be here. how ever, where ever here is.)

all this to say: love will win. justice will prevail. peace will blossom. the cracks will be mended and the flowers will bloom. 

winter will end. spring is coming.