no spoons

a Very Large part of my current funk is that I feel like I'm letting people down. especially myself.

I have so many friends who live in this (general) area (the Pacific Northwest). and I really love my friends and I would really like to see them, but I do not have the spoons for People-ing right now. (especially not the, "message people up out of the blue, when we haven't messaged in awhile and say "hey, I'm here from x to y and when would it work to visit" and do that for z amount of people, which then has to be coordinated into my scheduling.)

this was also an issue in TO, but I managed to actually see some people there, just not all the people.

here, I am seeing exactly none of the people.

I had high hopes for myself last year and even earlier in the summer, that I would be able to see all the people here (or at the very least, some of the people) but oy. it's november and I am still feel cruddy and not getting enough sleep and the weltschmertz is Very High and nope.

theoretically I know it is ok to not have the spoons to see friends (hello! I preach this to my friends! you don't need to have the spoons to see me, I understand!) but at the same time, I have a lot of expectations of myself, and also, let's be honest, it would have been more fun to have seen my friends. and I would very much like to have fun.

I pushed myself to go out to Pike Place today (for lunch, essentially) and got home and now I feel totally wrecked.

(it did not help that I went into a used book shop and whoa, asthma attack! yeah, that was dumb.)

anyway, this is my official apology.

mostly, it's an apology to myself, for expecting too much when I'm not feeling well. and for thinking I need to do All the Things. but also, if you were thinking I would have gotten in contact when I was here and I didn't, I'm sorry. hopefully next time we're here I'll have more spoons.

fingers crossed.