connectioning: coincidence and planning




so here's the thing: I love coincidence. I love finding coincidences, I love when coincidences sneak up on me. I love that fun moment when you meet someone and find out you both love . or when you've known someone awhile and suddenly discover you both know .

and I am a very lucky person both by nature and by cultivation. I follow my gut. I listen to my intuition. I pay attention to what is happening in the moment.

I find random heart shaped stones in the wild right after I pick up a piece of trash. or right after I've stopped and had a prayer-moment. or when I get back to the car after a fun day with my kid. I take the train to a new town and it just happens to be the one weekend of the year when they have their origin festival. I turn the radio on and that one song I needed to hear is playing.

I declare a word of the year and then that word is inherent in the very next book I read. 

so oh, yes, yes, Y E S, I love everything about coincidence.

except...

I love everything about coincidence except the suspicion that started to grow mid-summer that a lot of the things I thought were coincidences between certain people and myself were in fact, not coincidental at all. that they were crafted. curated. specifically (and sinisterly?) tailored to be things that either set me on edge or made me want to protect someone.

(yeah, both. which is an even trickier thing to parse because how do you deal with such an intricate creationing? I mean, it's almost beautiful in its elaborateness. and yet, the end result is still trauma. trauma that was created for the sake of trauma. and no, I don't understand that at all, either.)

no no, N O, I do not like that overly elaborate type of coincidence one bit. although it is a connectioning, finding all this out, and this is, in fact, my connectioning year and that is, overall, a Good Thing. figuring stuff out is exactly what connectioning entails. it's not an easy word of the year, or an easy year, but it was and is necessary and important and eventually, eventually, e v e n t u a l l y will be the biggest blessing in my life as I go forward, free of the web of lies that traumatized me.

which is the flip side of coincidence: the perfect plan. and if it turns out that a lot of the coincidences in my life weren't so coincidental (although most of them still are, phew!) and they were part of a master plan, well then luckily, I'm also good at planning! I love putting things together in unique ways, ordering things, making sense out of chaos. composing.

I love (drum roll please) connectioning.

in point of fact, that was my main job this last year where I planned out and executed where we stayed during M's sabbatical. I got a ton of practice planning this past year. so that might be another part of why and how I was able to finally spot the plan I was caught up in for *way* too freaking long.

(there was also a very large amount of luck involved, and trusting that I'd be able to figure stuff out. it was really fucking intense.)

there's a reason my favorite genre all through my teen years and into my twenties was mystery novels. and why one of the first novels I ever started writing (and didn't finish) was a cozy about a grad student and her dog solving a murder that they just happened to stumble upon during their daily walk.

I am a researcher at heart, after all. and a bookworm and a writer and this is what I do. I connect the dots. I poem it out. I journal obsessively. I write Katniss style lists and figure shit out!

(thank you, thank you, thank you past-self, for giving me this gift, through your practice. thank you.)

the down side to this side of me is that sometimes it gets away from me and I begin to imagine everyone is as devious as someone in a detective novel and yeah, paranoia isn't fun, either. but since I'm well aware of my ability to go into that kind of thinking, I'm also usually able to pull myself out.

and if I'm not, well. I have other people in my life who are brilliant truth tellers.

but paranoia has literally saved my ass a bunch of times, so I'm not knocking paranoia. it's the running away with me that needs to be kept in check.

because (and I'm connectioning here) there's room for coincidence and planning. for deviousness and innocence. for paranoia and trust.

that's the beauty of wholeness. it's not either/or. it's both/and.

it's whole.

interconnected.

(yes.)

(thank you.)