poeming on my reclaiming

moments of clarity racking up, illuminating what had been foggy for so long:

smiling for the sake of smiling, not to please anyone else. 
reclaiming my hair, which is not "doll's hair" but my own. 
wearing colors that please me, not just colors that protect me. 

(protection is also pleasing. but it's not the only thing.)

remembering again and again how much I love to play. 
cooking a meal, not because I have to, but because I want to. 
being afraid and being ok being afraid, because I am actually safe. 

(protection is the only thing sometimes, for real.)

breathing and breathing and breathing: in and out and in and out. 
praying on my feet, sweat dripping down my neck, the wind cooling
the trees murmuring as leaves drift down and acorns splat.

(the trees and the water our only sustainable source of protection.)

feeling the feelings in my body, moving through
stories are only stories and I'm not only my story
I don't have to take responsibility for everything

(abbreviated lines meaning more, but I do not need to explain myself to everyone, that's protective.)


Oh, it's been a beautiful couple of weeks. 

October is glorious. Goodness, the yellowing leaves and the stark blue sky? They're healing me so very much. 

As will the gray when it comes, and the snow. And then spring and summer and autumn again. Time really is on my side. Each moment that passes is a moment I'm further into this recovering. Into this rediscovery. Into this reclaiming. 

There's ebb and flow, still (always). I'm friends with ebb and flow now (thank you, past me, for doing the work and for writing about it so I could hold on to that knowledge in the hardest moments). 

Recovery isn't always linear. Ebb and flow. But it is still recovery. "The truth shall set you free" really did, in my case. It was painful, so very fucking painful. And traumatic. But figuring it out (the pieces I could figure out) freed me.

Hindsight is real and the reason I can access it is because I wrote down what was happening as it happened. 

Everything in my life brought me to this moment. 

(Writing as I wait for the water to boil so that I can make myself oatmeal before I go on my daily hike. And then editing as I eat my oatmeal before going on my daily hike.)

Yes, please, thank you.