connectioning: sitting with myself



some days, when I go for my (mosly daily, but sometimes life and weather get in the way) hike, I reach my "destination" (aka, the point where I need to turn around) and sit for a little bit.

I'm not meditating, per say, though sometimes I am.

I'm specifically not using the breathing meditation app that I use when I'm in the middle of a panic attack, instead, I am casting my awareness out into the world. Listening.

it's meditation because of that focus, but it isn't formal and I'm not setting a timer or putting any limits or making any attachment to what I'm doing.

some days I may actually need to keep thinking.

(and even write myself a note. I'm doing that a lot less than I was in the first two months following The Trauma That Happened This Summer That I'm Not Quite Ready to Talk About Publicly, but things still come up that I feel the need to write down as reminders to myself. constant gaslighting has caused me to live in fog fpr a really long time. reminders to myself are one way I'm helping myself heal. that's what writing gave me, all those years ago.)

today's been an ebb day. I'm feeling down. I woke up ridiculously early (for me) for no reason, except maybe hormones.

(ugh, perimenopause! hot flashes and extremely unpredictable cycles and insomnia! so much fun!)

and so here's the blue sky. here's the clouds. here's the branches of the trees, ready for winter. waiting for the next spring, but not in an impatient way, just a "that's what happens, eventually" way.

here's me writing just because I have needed to write and I have 3 or 4 blogs currently in drafts which are probably not going to be published and that's really, really, really ok.

I write what I need to write and I hit publish what I can publish.

(sometimes it doesn't feel safe to be too vulnerable. sometimes it doesn't feel safe to be too assertive.)

I'm a week and two days away from being forty five. I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of 44 (my lucky number doubled). I'm not sure I'm ready for winter. I'm not sure what I'm ready for.

but I am probably ready for anything (because I've had to be for so long).

this is a year where I am (re)learning to sit with myself, as I am. ready or not.

this is a year where I am (re) learning how to be.

this is my after year.