our own hearts
we unravel trauma
we remember

today I turned 45. it's been a low key but good birthday. a middle of the week birthday. a "watch the Mandalorian and coo at the baby" birthday. a "be excited about my birthday adventure that's coming" birthday. a gentle, things I want to do when I want to do them birthday. 

I got a lavender tea kettle from my love which matches the lavender and teal travel mug bought for myself. 

I made this poem/ art. 

normally around my birthday I figure out my word of the year. I'm pretty sure I have already, but I want to take a few more days to make sure. 

the word of the year is a practice I take mostly from Susannah Conway, who also does a December Reflectons prompt list. I'm once again mostly posting my responses to that on Instagram/FB but yesterday's is here, in the above poem/ art. 

and it's a triple answer (because it's a triple exposure and because that's just how I roll). 

the prompt was, "best day of 2019."

the first layer is the day we spent hiking up Masada (and then going to the Dead Sea to float). that day encapsulates our year of travel for me. 

(it's a close close close tie with many other days and also the day of R's Bar Mitzvah itself. but the prayer moment I had on top of Masada encapsulates them all.)

the second layer is the text that I used to make the black out poem. 

(it's a post from a trauma recovery poster on Instagram.) 

what it symbolizes to me is that every day I am connecting to my own heart and unraveling trauma and remembering love is the best day. no matter how hard it might be. (there's ebb and flow, even in trauma recovery.) 

the third layer is a photo of me (smiling broadly) today. 

today is the only moment. and so it is the best. or the greatest, ala Smashing Pumpkins.


May I learn all I needed from being 44 and take only what is mine to take into 45. 

May I continue to heal and grow and love and play and help. 

May I continue to be the best me I can possibly be, this year and always. 

yes, please, thank you.