the fifth day of Hanukkah: truth

a mirrored effect heart in a scene from my Hanukkah past. this post needed a turquoise heart. trauma is real. 

the truth sometimes feels overwhelming and hideous and disgusting.
the truth can be so brutal it feels easier and maybe even nicer to believe the lie.
the truth hurts a lot, especially if you've been fed the lie long enough. 

but after that initial shock, the truth can lead to healing. this I have to believe. 

the truth is (eventually) kinder than a lie, because it doesn't create (the additional suffering of) confusion and fog and paranoia. being disconnected from reality just isn't a good thing for any of us.

(despite this, many of us are completely disconnected from reality. I was, for far too long. it's hard not to judge myself. denial is also a lie. but... I remind myself. denial was a coping mechanism. one I don't need any more.)

the truth isn't a conspiracy theory. I'm talking facts vs fiction truth. not what we think might be true, but what actually is. 

truth cascades. finding out one true thing leads to more truth. 

trauma sucks, full stop. but it's better to be traumatized (maybe not quite all at once) with the truth than with ongoing, continual gaslighting of going back to sleep and letting yourself be abused further. 

eventually. 

I think. 

(I hope.)

I am free now. that's what matters. I am free now.