march mending

_____________________

once
(eleven years ago)

I officiated
the unofficial
wedding
of my friend
and her (now)
wife
on the beach
in Monterey
county

the first trip
on my own

 (two years,
nine months,
and six day)

after I became
a mother
.
.
once (upon a time)

I bought
a flowery silk
kimono styled robe
to officiate
a fairy-tale wedding

and kept
that robe
as it fell apart

eventually
cutting off
the sleeves

though I couldn't
throw them away
.
.
this morning

I took photos
of different
combinations
of silk robe flowers
under the hole
in my coral
sundress
I bought
for another
wedding
.
.
later (today?)

I will
patch in
the silk
turn the
                         empty
                    hole
into beauty


as I have patched
up all the holes

of my many
(too many)
traumas

pain
and
grief
becoming
beauty

becoming life

(holy)


______________________

_______________________


* the wedding ceremony wasn't "legal" because of the political situation in CA at the time, but I got licensed as an officiant anyway.

I've never officiated at any other weddings. in part because I kind of considered it a "jinx" on our friendship.

* a month or so after the wedding, my friendship with them began deteriorating because of a miscommunication. we mended that rift, but never really got back our previous connection. then Pinter disappeared and we started the diagnostic process with R and another friend dumped me in a very dramatic fashion and I just couldn't handle the pain of having a formerly close friend who couldn't be bothered to remember that my dog had disappeared. or ask how I was doing.

* going through something traumatic sometimes means you need more than a friend can give. and that's ok. friendships fall apart sometimes.

* I beat myself up for these losses (or blame the other person) sometimes, and that's ok, too, as long as I can see that this is a coping mechanism and I don't use it to hurt (or "add suffering" to) myself or anyone else.

(I definitely don't hold grudges - to my own detriment at times! - the other friend that dumped me spectacularly that year eventually reached out to apologize. we didn't renew our friendship, but she knew what she had done was mean.)

* it's ok to be needy. and it's ok to not be able to meet someone else's needs.

(unless you are their parent and they are dependent on you for what they need. and then you absolutely need to meet those needs or find someone else who can!

one of the things I'm working on in this #theafteryear is realizing that I am only R's mom.

ironically, or not, that's also a key component to my work on reparenting myself. because one of the ways I met my own unmet needs as a child was that I became everyone else’s mother. the perpetual caretaker. I did a lot of personal work on the in my twenties and thirties, but it's ongoing. I revert to being "a mother hen" at the drop of a hat. I continue to work on that tendency.)

* oh, the ongoing process of being human.

_________________________


* the (leftover) robe itself is also in my mending pile for later this month. I'm (somewhat haphazardly)  following along with the #mendmarch prompts of @visiblemend on Instagram.

* in finishing the mending of this dress, I rediscovered how much I love freeform embroidery. oh. so soothing! and pretty! and fun! I went and bought myself more floss in pretty colors.

________________________


* in searching my archives/FB trying to figure out exactly how old R was the day I left for that wedding, I found this poem I wrote in Jan 2013: The Terrible Truth of River Tam.

it says a lot that that poem (which is pretty freaking serious) was my response to (my own) prompt of "fun poem."

and wow, it's mind-blowing how poeming shows us the truth of our lives, even before we're truly conscious of it.

* I'm letting go of a lot of old patterns in my life the last few months. it's extremely liberation(ing).

* I am myself, as I have always been, rooting and deepening into my self even further. oh, how loving and right that feels.

(and how scary at times. and how painful.)

* ah, this work of being human.

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* I wrote most of this post (including the poem) last week. these days, posts take longer to process, digest, edit and publish. there's others in the queue that are in various stages of ready. I'll get to them.

* I'm working on rebuilding trust, with all this processing. trusting that my words are ok to go out into the world. trusting that I am safe when I put my words out into the world. trusting that I won't be ignored. that's a big process.

* whoa, "trusting that I won't be ignored." and further, trusting that it's ok to be ignored. (and that's ok to not want to be ignored by someone who claims they love you.)

damn.

how fucking huge is that?

(so fucking huge!)

* I write the things I need to hear. this poem. and this one , which I wrote after one of these friendships ended. and oh, this poem!

and these words, which help in other ways (when I feel afraid of outside forces, like viruses).

(thank you, past me, for writing the words I needed and need. thank you.)